Do you know what it is like, to give and give so much of yourself until you are running on empty? How about the opposite? Have you experienced being so full to the overflow emotionally, mentally, and spiritually? Lend me your imagination and picture this. A bottle of water is half full, you take it and hold it under a running faucet until it is completely filled, but instead of turning off the faucet, you leave it running and the bottle begins to run over. That is the overflow I’m talking about.

Well I’ve experienced both.  Today, I will focus on a point in my life when I experienced a season of emptiness. All my life I have pushed myself really hard.  In college, I chose the overachiever path, studying all through the night during finals, shutting out the world, friends and family to stay laser focus on getting that A or A+. I love learning and so I extended that same strategy to writing papers and completing assignments. Sleep who needs that? If I had a deadline, I would intentionally alter my body’s need to sleep. How, like most college students, energy drinks, coffee, sugar, whatever it took to stay awake.

That was the beginning of my journey towards cultivating my alter-shero, that high performing, I-can-do-it all-by-myself, high-performance super human/machine.

I remember during my senior year in college, I received a project in our mass media research class. I decided to do mass media research to figure out how to disseminate information across campus. You see as a student, I stumbled on so many hidden resources but starting out as an evening student, these opportunities were out of sight for us. Sure, there were fliers but if you did not get a flier, you were in the dark. I did the project and found, yes the college marketed by fliers, and there was a radio station that many students had no idea even existed. Information sharing was a hit or miss. So I did the research and out of that project created the news network that still keeps information front and center, in the library and in main buildings. The outcome was not intentional, but my passion helped me pushed pass the layers and share this possibility with the school president.

That drive continued after graduating from college and moving through my career, I took the same road. Why? I was in love with the stimulation that came from outward success. My push took me to a national news network. First as a Production Assistant and moving up to produce award-winning documentaries. I celebrate my efforts to finding unforgettable TV characters. I travelled all over the US as the brain behind leading journalist. Yes! From a third world country to first world, I climbed from the bottom and held my dream.

Work was a huge part of identity. With a passion for knowledge, a talent to connect people, I got addicted to information dominance. That resulted in my mind always powered up, ideas and creativity were nonstop.  I’m the girl you’d come to for fresh ideas, clarity and to dream big. And I gave and gave it all away.  #Operationalwayson, #Superhumanmode, #Beastmodeever is how I would describe my work ethic. Coming in from the bottom, I took pride in doing it all, because I could. Instead of setting reasonable boundaries, the pusher took it all on. This went on for ten years. Until…

A few months ago, right before my 40th birthday, a crash!  My mind went blank, my body caved in on itself, anxiety choked the air out of lungs.  I did not recognize my trembling body. My vitals were all over the place. My vessel began running empty. Super girl took flight and my humanness moved in.

Forty wasn’t the fabulous forty I expected. No one told me about the aches and pains. No one told me, I would be faced with the wall of human limitations. I did not expect that one day I would have to wean myself off coffee, so my heart could beat as normal.

It took months for regular sleep to return for more than four hours a night. Exercise like simply walking, left me exhausted and gasping for breath. One day I completely blacked out. There I was on Meds to help my body to function as normal. I hit rock bottom with no idea how to climb out of this pit.

My doctor took my life into her hands and shutdown the broken energizer bunny. Eventually, a cocktail of treatments and time, healed my brokenness.  Meds, rest, prayers from friends, affirmations, juicing, therapy, writing, the love of family and me embracing my new reality that getting older means loving me enough to care for my body, mind and spirit above other people’s needs. Eventually one day I felt the cloud lift.

It has been a journey. Under the surface, I’ve always believed that it is selfish to be more concerned about me. I felt if I gave without limits, it will come back unfortunately I did it to the point of self-neglect. The truth is if I am not my priority, I won’t be around or present for others. So I have embraced this new truth, purged the lie and moving in a completely new direction.

Instead of practicing a scarcity mindset towards myself, I have made a shift. I am embracing abundance to the overflow for myself. I am learning what it means to love me, to care for me, to accept abundance for me. That means setting a timeline to add a few things to my morning routine like nature walks, meditation, visualization, and affirmations. Last week, I took sometime to just admire myself in the mirror and appreciate my image, my essence and to give thanks for my life, my beauty, my greatness and inner light. The poem below came out of that exercise.

The late Whitney Houston said, it best, “Learning to love yourself is greatest love of all. So I’m learning to love me and when I pray I listen for the lover of my soul to speak, more than I speak. I allow myself, with all my flaws to appreciate me. If I feel tense or stressed, I breathe deeply to release the tensions from every part of me. If I feel tired, I simply rest, instead of trying to caffeinate and pushing myself to be super human.

Next blog post I hope you follow me as I share the flip side. Recently I encountered an abundance of fullness, that started this new chapter in my life and it is like every empty area in my life was full to the overflow in just one weekend.

Share, like, tweet, comment, if this spoke to you deeply.

My Mirror Exercise

Oval shaped brown face

With Perfectly slit radiant eyes

Beneath arched brows

Eye balls a slight tint of pink,

From sporadic tears flowing over the lid of my eye brim.

Tears of sadness no,

But tears of fullness

Heart filled fullness

For I came out of their shadow and collided with the image of me, the essence of my greatness and the light of my Lord within.

In this rebirth I shout into the wind “Hello world meet me, a woman of statute and light.”

Not waiting for love from outside

But loving myself from the inside

Not perfectly sized, I love me,

Not my ideal BMI, but I love me.

Imperfections under construction

I love me, purely deeply, freely

Like a mother loves the baby created inside of her.

No earning it… Just receiving it, freely.

I give myself permission to appreciate the me I am in this moment!

Challenge

I accept me and love myself. I am a magnet of acceptance.

(Say this to yourself in the mirror in morning. Whatever your age is, for example I am 40, so I repeated this 40 times. 20 times in your normal voice, 10 shout it loud and 10 in a whisper. Something in your psyche, in your emotions and in your spirit will shift into alignment!)

 

PHOTO CREDIT: Ricardo Robinson

 

The bible and history is filled with many troublemakers. People like Moses, Apostle Paul, Daniel in the Lion’s Den, Bob Marley, Dr. Martin Luther King and even Jesus Christ disrupted societal systems, instead of conforming to them. Follow me and let us examine some of our current societal boundaries, some you will recognize from the list outlined below:

 

• Go to school, get an education, get a good paying job and work for 30 years, and then retire.
• After school go on a job interview and since you are fresh out of college, accept the lowest salary, just to get your foot in the door. After all, it is not about the money, but the experience.
• How about this? Since you are an immigrant, fresh off the boat here in America, you need to pay your dues. Start over. Get some First World experience and build yourself up, we all had to do it—even after having more than 20 years experience than those going after the same job as you.

 

What box is society telling you to fit into? Maybe you have heard these before.

 

• You do not have the right skills for this job or to be promoted. Yet, you have to train, individuals with less experience than you, for the position you were just denied.
• Your kind does not belong here.
• You are a woman and you are married, why do you need a raise? You have a husband!
• You are too young to start a business. Get some corporate experience!

 

Stop for a minute and think. Is everything inside of you rebelling against what society is screaming, there is a reason for that especially if you are a believer. The bible practically rebels against many of the standards of our day, especially on from an individual standpoint. Look at what the scriptures says:

 

1. Whatever you put your mind and hands to according to the will of the creator, you can achieve it.
2. In your weakness, your creator and eternal Father is made strong!
3. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
4. You have everything you need for life and godliness.
5. You are the head and not the tail, above and not beneath. You are a lender and not a borrower.
6. I (God) have given you the power to gain wealth.

 

Born and raised in Jamaica, my grandma and the culture raised me to be a disruptor. It is a known fact in history that the slaves brought to Jamaica could not be kept in captivity. The four hundred years of slavery experienced here in America, could not gain roots in the Caribbean. Yet, in Jamaica my great grandmother was a slave, so she was forbidden to secure an education. That did not become a barrier for her to learn to read. Since church was mandatory, she learned to read by singing hymns. My mother recalls her beautiful voice bellowing through their home, early in the morning in the rural hills of St. Catherine, Jamaica.  So that inspired my mother to dream greater than her poverty. She daydreamed about traveling to foreign lands and becoming a nurse. Although she became a teenage mother, her dream took her beyond the roadblock. She migrated to the United Kingdom, trained all across Europe, worked with royal families before moving to the United States for greener pastures. It wasn’t easy but she tapped into the warrior within.

 

How about this other unbelievable story from the scriptures? Physically men should not be able to walk on water, yet Jesus did it and even dared Peter to try. Not one to shy away from the impossible or unchartered territories, Jesus stood against the “Political and Religious Powers” of his day. In boldness and the knowledge of his own power, he called shenanigans and hypocrisy when he saw it! Here in America, Martin Luther King also upset the norm of his times. He threw a monkey wrench into acceptable societal inequality by inspiring and mobilizing the underdog race with his shared ideas. That changed the course for those who were treated as second-class citizens. Even Moses was sick and tired of systemic oppression, so he took the people of Israel and left the only life they had known to rough it in the wilderness, until they made it to the Promised Land.

 

In my twenty years in America, I’ve seen many immigrant entrepreneurs trailblazing their own path because they are using the freedoms of ownership available in this country, to escape the glass ceilings that accompany the territory of working as an employee. Taking to heart and putting into practice this ideology from their homeland, do not risk everything on one endeavor. So many have a job and a few side hustles, it’s a known joke that Jamaicans and Mexicans are known to hold multiple jobs.

 

In recent years, I have worked alongside millenials. And they seem to embody the same disruptive spirit. They are non-conformist to what their parents accepted as norm. Many are becoming entrepreneurs instead of laborers. So instead of going to school to become a worker, they are becoming owners. I have witnessed some on the job for a day or few months and if they face mistreatment, nepotism, and in-equality, they will quickly move on. They know this to be true, corporations are not the only way to make a living, but part of a whole. So instead, they take the risk of leaving the traditional full-time job, for freelance opportunities. First jobs with start-up companies are common. Taking a job in another part of the world if opportunities in America are not forthcoming is risk they are willing to take. After all, the world is their oyster, they believe they are enough and their conviction matters. A generation of disruptors will arise and not just America but the world will be better for it.

 

It is past time.

 

 

 

Action Challenge #3

There is a change agent, a troublemaker in each of us. If you were born in this country, or reside here, you know the history; a troublemaker abolished slavery. If you were not born here, you know the fight it took to get here. Don’t fight to get to the Promised Land and forget the dream to conquer. Paycheck to paycheck is not conquering. Living under massive amounts of debt, is not conquering. Settling in a job because of the economy is not conquering. Make it a goal to create a legacy. Remember and declare on a daily basis, who you are and why you are here, for you are more than a conqueror. The voices in your world will always make sure you hear their opinion, focus on your goal, instead of the sea of voices. You are going somewhere. Call forth the warrior within and fight to get there.

 

Battle Cry

Don’t flow against the tide, the dominant culture says.

Don’t disturb the societal constructs.

Blend in. Lower your voice. Tone down your personality. Stay still.

Commands issued to keep the decades old operation, in tact.

It is better without the upset, they say.

But better for who?

Not when people and cultures and personalities are all unique.

No, no, no! Go trouble the water!

Don’t conform! Make your ripple effect!

Stop the tide or turn it… So you can make your mark.

 

Ummmmm

The Lord is a warrior; the Lord is his name (Exodus 15:3)

The people who know their God shall be strong, and carry out great exploits. (Daniel 11:32)

 

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In the 39th year of her life, C. Marie still had unfulfilled expectations.  Her deepest desires felt like a maze, with no escape.  Like many women, she always dreamed of finding a mate, an ideal co…

Source: STORY TIME: IS THERE LOVE OUT THERE FOR ME?

In the 39^th year of her life, C. Marie still had unfulfilled expectations.  Her deepest desires felt like a maze, with no escape.  Like many women, she always dreamed of finding a mate, an ideal companion and someone her spirit desired.  Yet, as the months flew by her 40th birthday was swiftly approaching on October 15, 2006, and still not a man in sight.

At eight years old C. Marie experienced a great loss.  Her mother died leaving herself, her brother, and father behind.  During those days, in her culture children were seen and not heard. Consequently, no one explained the death or even discussed it.  In her little mind, she thought that her mother disappeared.  Subsequently, she assumed all the motherly responsibilities from very early on.

Within a few years, C. Marie went to live with her aunt and uncle, who had four daughters.  And just like her father, she remembers that her uncle possessed a captivating presence, educated, respected in the community and a man of stature.  This shaped her framework and desire for the kind of husband she would eventually want.  She told herself, he would be charismatic, admirable, and knowledgeable.

Now when she got older, the search for love and a lasting relationship seemed endless.  Having the blueprint in her heart did not make the search any easier.  Where could she find the man of her dreams?  Who would fit the mold of her heart?  Her 20’s came and went and when the late 30s arrived, she began to question her dream.  Maybe it was too unrealistic?  Maybe her standards were too high; surely, the man etched in her heart does not exist? Maybe she should settle and for years, she did.  Until she lost everything that, she deemed important, like her independence, providing for herself and being in control of her life.  In return, she connected to the spirit of God.

And then out of nowhere, she reunited with a college friend and they clicked instantly.  As they spent time together, the young man promised her that he had found the one he had been searching for his entire life.  That promise he shared with her father and declared that they were heading to the altar.  Finally, in her late 30s, love had found her.  Or so she thought.

Happiness in the heart.  Butterflies in the stomach.  The future no longer a mystery. Life was coming together, except she lived in Jamaica while he lived in the United States.  Although the relationship was long distance, soon and very soon, she would be his Mrs. Such a comfort because the void of losing her mother and finding a partner for life would soon be filled.  Filled with a sense of excitement, she would no longer be lonely, yes!  Now she could experience all the feelings of love, acceptance, and someone to call her own.

But mysteriously as it began, her love story ended.  The man of her dreams disappeared without a trace, never calling or visiting her again.  Most certainly, she could not believe this was happening.  Promises aborted.  She cried for months.  Questioning herself, lost in confusion, life in a tailspin. Like her broken heart, her future plans shattered right before her eyes!

Devastated, yet she made an intentional decision to mourn the loss for 4 months.  She needed time to bury the corpse of what could have been.  Like the death of a loved one, grieving was real, anger, denial, but she did not want to suffer forever.  During the rawness of the pain, she swore never again, no more relationships.  So many women shut themselves off from the possibility of ever finding a man who is the right fit.  They cannot imagine ever finding a better fit than the last guy.  But C. Marie knew somehow, that if her broken heart did not heal, it would soon turn into bitterness.  So, she processed the pain.  Her revelation of truth came, that this man and his many promises of the future, were just the counterfeit of her ideal man.  Only time would tell if her better days lay ahead.

After that devastation, she began working in a hotel.  After a few months on the job, one day the owner looked her straight in the eyes and announced, “I found the perfect man for you!”  Reflexively, C. Marie became quite defensive but forced a smile.  In her mind, the next man that came her way would never get into her heart; distance she told herself is safety.

When the day came for her to finally meet him, C. Marie remained cautious but still a little bit curious.  Could there be a man just for her?  No way, she shrugged off the thought. When he arrived, she didn’t know he was the guy.  The first thing she noticed, he was well spoken and had such a captivating presence.  People stopped at the sound of his voice.  Could it be?  Again she dismissed her thoughts.  Then another bit of information seemed to throw ice-cold water at the prospects.  He was single and not looking for a mate.  Hearing that, C. Marie breathed a sigh of relief.  But something else caught her attention, he treated the women around him with utmost respect and although she had her walls up, her ears perked up!  He seemed like a distinguished man, lovely to have met him C. Marie tried to put him as far away as possible, out of her mind.

Then the company downsized and laid her off.  Usually, this would have devastated her for she is accustomed to having her independence.  For some reason, that back-to-back loss did not even faze her.  During this time, the man who was not looking for a mate began asking about her.  Soon the search turned into him pursuing her with much intensity.

Then it began, they started communicating… for hours and hours, like they knew each other forever.  She found out he lost a parent at 5 yrs old.  They noticed so many similarities between them, both plagued with life-altering losses, so they were uber-cautious in checking out each other.  With each passing day, it became apparent to both of them that they could not fight the obvious and soon they lost the battle to stay apart.  Subsequently, the two decided to give the relationship a chance.

He is a saxophonist and plays at events all over Jamaica.  After a few months of them dating one Saturday, C. Marie escorted her GQ to a wedding where he was working.  He introduced the song before playing he said, “When a man loves a woman, He marries her.”  He repeated this three times and as she sat in the audience, he called her full name and asked her to marry him.  After having all the guests at the wedding give them a standing ovation, she finally came out of the shock and said yes.  This engagement was beyond anything she could ever dream, more than what she wanted, and everything she has never had.  For her, nothing about this real love felt complicated.  In fact, the way she sees it, he is more than her heart could ever desire.

The day before her 40th birthday, C. Marie and Seymour committed their hearts, emotions, spirits, and bodies to a love that their hearts had always known.  His spirit recognized hers, connected, and responded to its call.  This month, the couple celebrates 10-years of their spiritual bond, that will only continue to grow on a deeper and deeper level.

Action Challenge

Are you feeling lost from a broken heart, which led to broken dreams? Are your defenses and walls up? It’s ok to mourn this death, have your proverbial funeral if you have to. But give it a time limit. C. Marie took 4 months.  But we all heal differently. First month, face the pain, the disappointment, and the emotional PTSD.  Next month, find an outlet to release the venom. Write & talk to purge.  Share with someone you respect that will not plant seeds of bitterness or confusion.  Next month, pray for healing, the revelation of release will come. Next month, read to rebuild, I guarantee someone has walked this road before no matter how lonely it feels.  Whatever it takes to purge bitterness from your heart, do it! The lessons will soon be clear. And the walls will come down. The hurt will heal.  Hurt is only a steel door that prevents your heart from inviting change and love into your life again. So after facing it head on and when you feel whole again, cautiously and intentionally give your heart permission to love again. The heart is resilient and very powerful, designed to give and receive love.

Have you passed the age that you expected to be married?  Having serious doubts or probably given up completely on finding your spiritual mate and yes you read right, I did not say soul mate.  We all have heard about those soul mates, most of which strangely are no longer together.  Spiritual mates on the other hand, share a connection in spirit.  Their desires are already imprinted on the recesses each other’s heart.  When they meet each other, the only satisfactory response is to join in life and purpose, regardless of imperfections.  They do not find each other by filtering people through natural expectations or superficial lists.  The author of life, who predetermines the events of humankind, navigates them to each other.  This author can reveal purpose and who fits into the pages of our journey.  Noteworthy is this, your gift may not come in the packaging that you expect.  But at the core is more than what you wanted and everything you’ve never had.  Begin to discern people by the essence of their spirit, not by what is on the surface.

LOVE SONG (Excerpt)

At five years old, he lost his father.

At eight years old, she lost her mother.

It is a love so deep but lost forever.

Is there love out there? Deep love out there…

For that girl and little boy?

As they grew older, it did not get better,

The search for love brought one lost after another.

But deep inside they both desired…

Someone to love, a lover to hold.

Is there love out there? Deep love out there…

Where is the love for me?

Chorus

Two hearts searching to find deep love that was lost

Searching for the fresh stream that flows through the heart

Searching for the oxygen to ignite the flame of life

Searching for the spirit already imprinted inside

Where is the love for you, for me?

At a wedding while the sax rang out,

The boy who lost his dad, now a man, shouts out,

When a man love a woman, He marries her,

When a man love a woman, He marries her,

When a man love a woman, He marries her,

Marry me, marry me.

Two hearts searching to find deep love that was lost,

Finding streams of love refreshing the heart,

Love like oxygen ignited the flames of life,

Finding the spirit mate imprinted inside,

There is love out there, always been there,

For the spirits searching and longing,

To connect beneath what’s on the surface.

Ummmmm

I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go (Song of Songs 3:4)

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